SOS, it's Kevin Jonas!

Ahh, Kevin Jonas.

The Isaac to MMMBoping Taylor & Zac, the Athos to swashbuckling Porthos & Aramis, the Simon to helium-pitched Alvin & Theodore. The Kevin to mop-headed Nick & Joe. Together ("all for one, one for all"), the Jonas Brothers.

Joe got to lead the gang during the Bros. hay-day; he got the heartthrob role in Camp Rock, he stood center stage, he hogged most of the squealing girl attention. It was Joe whose face was the biggest on all the merch, too - the plastic Wal-Mart backpacks, the sparkly purple dog tag necklaces, and the fold-out posters  and magazine covers. Sure, he was Burnin' Up there for a little while, but then he tried to straighten his hair. It was almost a preemptive, half-hearted attempt at the Bieber Flip, but it didn't quite make it. Just in time for the Jonas TV show, Joe's hair was a successful imitation of the bouffant trend in ladies hairstyles of the 1950s.

With Joe's star sinking under the weight of all that hairspray, it was time for the next Jonas to step into the spotlight. And who better, really, than Nick, the youngest and quieter, deeply sensitive brother who did most of the song writing anyways. The American Public was due for a good emotionally raw idol, someone with depth and a quiet humility about them. And that's for damn sure what we got. Hello Beautiful and youthful, baby-faced Nick. No more of this Live to Party, but now wanting to be loved for Who I Am and being Just Friends (but actually, not really). Nick goes acoustic, then all of a sudden, he's got his own project going with some troupe called "The Administration", and the tour is a hit. The Baby Jonas has done it.

But, wait, Hold On! What about the third Jo Bro, Kevin? Well, he bopped around behind his two brother on stage for a while, sometimes holding a guitar, sometimes not. Just along for the ride, you know. Then, his Three Stooges style comedic talents were discovered, and he became the most massive ditz ever in Jonas. And with all the competition for that title from the female co-stars, that's saying something. After two years of leaving set in tears over his pathetically poor excuse for even being including in the group (what are genetics, really?), a bright light appeared in Kevin's life: the whole Jonas Fam was on vacation in the Caribbean when he met a charming young lady (DON'T WORRY, he was still wearing his purity ring. Thank. God.). They played in the waves and laid in the sand, they walked and held hands - where were the Disney cameras then? this has HSM4 written all over it - and kept dating for several years afterward. This wasn't a big deal because no one in the media actually cared about Kevin's life. Then, *POOF* they were married and K Bro swapped his chastity ring for a wedding band.

Was the world disturbed? Did the Tween's earth axis tilt a little, were there sobbing vigils held in memorial of a Jonas Brother no longer being single? 360 days of mourning instituted across LA?

Nope, no one gave a flying fig. And with that, the eldest Jo Bro faded into pop culture oblivion, leaving behind two younger brothers for the Tweens to salivate over and the larger population of women over 16 who just didn't care anymore. Maybe by the Year 3000, when everyone buys their 7th album, Nick will be able to carry the Joe and Kevin popularity dead-weight, but I doubt it.

<3

T-ST-B