Justin Bieber may have a child.
We should have seen this coming. A scandal was overdue. Miley's a pothead, Demi's in rehab. If you don't have a scandal, you aren't important anymore (Where are the Jonas brothers?)
Biebs, did you really think your Jesus tat was going to keep you on the map?
At least you haven't disappeared like that guy on high school musical that hasn't seemed to get a real acting job.
(Just kidding. It's Zac Efron. I may or may not have kept up a poster of him all through college.)
-I think it's almost time for my 14th birthday.
22.11.11
20.5.11
One Thing I Learned From My Disney Childhood
If a guy and I don't sing a perfectly romantic song together on our first date, it's just not going to work out. It's not me. Really. It's him.
14.4.11
The Art of the "Chick Flick"
Dear Stupid Bitches in Hollywood,
You're not fooling anyone, you know. We've have had it up to HERE with all these recent chick flicks. There's no creativity left in the genre! You've killed it.
Here's the basic format for the plot (pay attention, now, it's easy to get lost in the complexities):
A young woman - this is usually Katherine Heigl or Reese Witherspoon - is shockingly single, even after short scenes with upbeat pop music have established that (a) she's physically attractive, (b) she's intelligent, witty and friendly - usually she's either an artist, journalist, or owns a bakery, and (c) there is a plethora of young attractive (and straight!) men around her. Next, our lady's tragic flaw is revealed. This is usually either that she's a workaholic, is too assertive & demanding, or she has no backbone and is stubbornly sticking to a relationship with a loser. Or some combination of those.
Enter the charming male lead, usually either a young Hugh Grant or James Marsden, who is both dashingly attractive and a little bit of prick. Short, intervening scenes demonstrate that he's maybe a little self-centered, maybe a tad bit insensitive, but it's really covering a fear of commitment and a heart of gold. Chivalry is not in fact dead, he's just too jaded to show it.
At this juncture, we are sometimes let in on the secrets of their hurtful history together, details about who left who first and why. Other times, our central relationship starts afresh when the two fascinatingly original characters meet, usually in an awkward exchange intended as comedic relief but really just an "I'm-glad-that's-not-me" moment, and for one reason or another, they dislike each other. Maybe he called her a floozie (which she probably is), maybe she assumed he's a jerk (which he probably is), it doesn't really become consequential until the crucial Turning-Point-Montage.
(the interim scenes between the introductions & the Turning-Point-Montage are really just fluff. Enjoy them for all the $12 movie ticket's worth)
Here, character development gets on the bullet train and suddenly our Leading Lady is reflecting on her emotional constipation - in a bubble bath by candle light - and then visiting all the coffee shops that remind her of him . Or our Dashing Gent becomes frustrated by those frivolous things that used to bring him joy - namely beer and watching TV - and finds himself daydreaming of her smile. These montages are not complete without some heart-swelling, building music of either the folksy pop or acoustic singer-songwriter genre (to be sold exclusively as part of an $11.99 soundtrack album). These songs are usually of either the Snow Patrol or Ingrid Michaelson variety.
and NOW, the big moment we've been waiting for: They Realize Their True Feelings. This usually involves some kind of rash decision, rushing to catch the object of their affections before they either (1) fly across the country for a new and exciting job opportunity (seriously, who does that?) or (2) marry someone else. Through some inanely stupid plot twist they must always be in a rush, chiefly because this gives the director the chance to include some action shots. If they're really skilled, a galloping horse or speeding car scenario can be included here. AND THEN: The Confession. It usually goes something like this:
Him: I love you.
Her: gasps and stares wide-eyed
Him: I've loved you since I first saw you in your green beret. How could I ever forget the first girl who hit me in the head with a frying pan? You've changed me, , you saw who I really was even when I couldn't. But don't worry, I don't need any therapy or anything. I probably won't even become unnaturally reliant on you as a source for my psychological well-being and discovery.
Her: tears start welling in overly-wide-eyes
Him: I love you and I want to spend the rest of my life loving you. I'll never return to that grouchy douche bag that I was before and our relationship will always be in this lovey-dovey honeymoon phase, okay?
Her: Yes! starts crying and throws arms around his neck
Him: Final Witty Line.
And the lovers, united at last across mountains of character flaws and chasms of time not spent getting to know one another, share A Kiss. Usually, the rest of the surrounding world has stopped on a pin and the extra characters are enraptured by The Confession and Kiss. They usually perform the important function of applauding after the kiss (doesn't that happen in real life?). Then we have the credit music, upbeat and happy, like "Everlasting Love" or "Love is Endless", promising Happy Endings FOREVER!!!
You know what, Hollywood? What makes me the most upset at chick flicks is that I am squarely in your target audience. And you hook me. Every. Damn. Time. You're killin' my glittery piggy bank. And giving me completely realistic expectations about life in general, you know?
Off to be caustically assertive & stubborn - I'll consider the bubble-bath, character morphing stuff later, but don't hold your breath.
-A Twenty-Something Teeny-Bopper
P.S. here are some notes for my happy ending. Narrated by Julie Andrews, of course.
You're not fooling anyone, you know. We've have had it up to HERE with all these recent chick flicks. There's no creativity left in the genre! You've killed it.
Here's the basic format for the plot (pay attention, now, it's easy to get lost in the complexities):
A young woman - this is usually Katherine Heigl or Reese Witherspoon - is shockingly single, even after short scenes with upbeat pop music have established that (a) she's physically attractive, (b) she's intelligent, witty and friendly - usually she's either an artist, journalist, or owns a bakery, and (c) there is a plethora of young attractive (and straight!) men around her. Next, our lady's tragic flaw is revealed. This is usually either that she's a workaholic, is too assertive & demanding, or she has no backbone and is stubbornly sticking to a relationship with a loser. Or some combination of those.
Enter the charming male lead, usually either a young Hugh Grant or James Marsden, who is both dashingly attractive and a little bit of prick. Short, intervening scenes demonstrate that he's maybe a little self-centered, maybe a tad bit insensitive, but it's really covering a fear of commitment and a heart of gold. Chivalry is not in fact dead, he's just too jaded to show it.
At this juncture, we are sometimes let in on the secrets of their hurtful history together, details about who left who first and why. Other times, our central relationship starts afresh when the two fascinatingly original characters meet, usually in an awkward exchange intended as comedic relief but really just an "I'm-glad-that's-not-me" moment, and for one reason or another, they dislike each other. Maybe he called her a floozie (which she probably is), maybe she assumed he's a jerk (which he probably is), it doesn't really become consequential until the crucial Turning-Point-Montage.
(the interim scenes between the introductions & the Turning-Point-Montage are really just fluff. Enjoy them for all the $12 movie ticket's worth)
Here, character development gets on the bullet train and suddenly our Leading Lady is reflecting on her emotional constipation - in a bubble bath by candle light - and then visiting all the coffee shops that remind her of him . Or our Dashing Gent becomes frustrated by those frivolous things that used to bring him joy - namely beer and watching TV - and finds himself daydreaming of her smile. These montages are not complete without some heart-swelling, building music of either the folksy pop or acoustic singer-songwriter genre (to be sold exclusively as part of an $11.99 soundtrack album). These songs are usually of either the Snow Patrol or Ingrid Michaelson variety.
and NOW, the big moment we've been waiting for: They Realize Their True Feelings. This usually involves some kind of rash decision, rushing to catch the object of their affections before they either (1) fly across the country for a new and exciting job opportunity (seriously, who does that?) or (2) marry someone else. Through some inanely stupid plot twist they must always be in a rush, chiefly because this gives the director the chance to include some action shots. If they're really skilled, a galloping horse or speeding car scenario can be included here. AND THEN: The Confession. It usually goes something like this:
Him: I love you.
Her: gasps and stares wide-eyed
Him: I've loved you since I first saw you in your green beret. How could I ever forget the first girl who hit me in the head with a frying pan? You've changed me, , you saw who I really was even when I couldn't. But don't worry, I don't need any therapy or anything. I probably won't even become unnaturally reliant on you as a source for my psychological well-being and discovery.
Her: tears start welling in overly-wide-eyes
Him: I love you and I want to spend the rest of my life loving you. I'll never return to that grouchy douche bag that I was before and our relationship will always be in this lovey-dovey honeymoon phase, okay?
Her: Yes! starts crying and throws arms around his neck
Him: Final Witty Line.
And the lovers, united at last across mountains of character flaws and chasms of time not spent getting to know one another, share A Kiss. Usually, the rest of the surrounding world has stopped on a pin and the extra characters are enraptured by The Confession and Kiss. They usually perform the important function of applauding after the kiss (doesn't that happen in real life?). Then we have the credit music, upbeat and happy, like "Everlasting Love" or "Love is Endless", promising Happy Endings FOREVER!!!
You know what, Hollywood? What makes me the most upset at chick flicks is that I am squarely in your target audience. And you hook me. Every. Damn. Time. You're killin' my glittery piggy bank. And giving me completely realistic expectations about life in general, you know?
Off to be caustically assertive & stubborn - I'll consider the bubble-bath, character morphing stuff later, but don't hold your breath.
-A Twenty-Something Teeny-Bopper
P.S. here are some notes for my happy ending. Narrated by Julie Andrews, of course.
22.3.11
Ludacris
Dear Luda,
I’m a huge fan and I just have a few questions:
1. Was it really love if you were only 13?
2. Why were you still playing on the play ground in middle school?
3. Did you know caffeine stunts growth and development?
4. Were you allowed to see her on the weekend?
5. Did you hold hands in school?
6. Did you pass notes because cell phones didn’t exist?
7. Did you talk on AIM?
8. Did you even have a computer?
9. Why did you stay in unrequited love affair?
10. How long did it last?
11. Was it more than two weeks? (cause that would be serious)
12. Who said I love you first?
13. Did she have her friend dump you for her?
Check Yes or No,
TGO13
I’m a huge fan and I just have a few questions:
1. Was it really love if you were only 13?
2. Why were you still playing on the play ground in middle school?
3. Did you know caffeine stunts growth and development?
4. Were you allowed to see her on the weekend?
5. Did you hold hands in school?
6. Did you pass notes because cell phones didn’t exist?
7. Did you talk on AIM?
8. Did you even have a computer?
9. Why did you stay in unrequited love affair?
10. How long did it last?
11. Was it more than two weeks? (cause that would be serious)
12. Who said I love you first?
13. Did she have her friend dump you for her?
Check Yes or No,
TGO13
18.3.11
On Friday We Wear Jeans
Dear Rebecca and Jenna,
In case you didn’t know today is friday. TGIF. Today I’m rockin’ a hoodie layered with a tee (got my jb swag) and jeans. But nobody in this country better be wearing my jeans, as they came from top shop. I know in middle school it’s cool to wear the same things as everyone else, but once you hit college you have to trend set, not follow. The more obscure what you do, wear, eat, or listen to, the cooler you are. The last thing you want is to turn on the TV and see that Hannah Montana is wearing your outfit. Your jeans just became the tackiest shit you could put on your body. If more than one person likes the same thing as you, drop that because it's not hot anymore. But what do I know? I’m old and don’t even know the days of the week. I also didn’t know that you’re supposed to think long and hard about what seat to claim in the car. I called shot gun for life. oops. I guess from now on I’ll start calling bitch, because a teeny bopper does. And i’m sure some hipsters are having a fit because they started riding bitch before RB was even born.
i so excited.
TGO13
In case you didn’t know today is friday. TGIF. Today I’m rockin’ a hoodie layered with a tee (got my jb swag) and jeans. But nobody in this country better be wearing my jeans, as they came from top shop. I know in middle school it’s cool to wear the same things as everyone else, but once you hit college you have to trend set, not follow. The more obscure what you do, wear, eat, or listen to, the cooler you are. The last thing you want is to turn on the TV and see that Hannah Montana is wearing your outfit. Your jeans just became the tackiest shit you could put on your body. If more than one person likes the same thing as you, drop that because it's not hot anymore. But what do I know? I’m old and don’t even know the days of the week. I also didn’t know that you’re supposed to think long and hard about what seat to claim in the car. I called shot gun for life. oops. I guess from now on I’ll start calling bitch, because a teeny bopper does. And i’m sure some hipsters are having a fit because they started riding bitch before RB was even born.
i so excited.
TGO13
9.3.11
Rockin' out like a teeny-bopper
You know you’re at a teeny-bopper concert when:
1) The show ends at 10:30.
2) There are more X’s on hands than wristbands.
3) Half of the crowd leaves after the opener because school’s tomorrow.
4) The kid beside you has braces.
5) Someone brought their mom.
6) The opener just premiered their music video on Disney Channel.
7) One band member is celebrating her 21st birthday the day of the show.
8) The tour bus is an advertisement for a movie about prom.
9) You feel like reprimanding the band when they cuss.
10) You and your friends are the only ones drinking.
I went to see Allstar Weekend. I partied like it’s not my birthday.
TGO13
1) The show ends at 10:30.
2) There are more X’s on hands than wristbands.
3) Half of the crowd leaves after the opener because school’s tomorrow.
4) The kid beside you has braces.
5) Someone brought their mom.
6) The opener just premiered their music video on Disney Channel.
7) One band member is celebrating her 21st birthday the day of the show.
8) The tour bus is an advertisement for a movie about prom.
9) You feel like reprimanding the band when they cuss.
10) You and your friends are the only ones drinking.
I went to see Allstar Weekend. I partied like it’s not my birthday.
TGO13
3.3.11
SOS, it's Kevin Jonas!
Ahh, Kevin Jonas.
The Isaac to MMMBoping Taylor & Zac, the Athos to swashbuckling Porthos & Aramis, the Simon to helium-pitched Alvin & Theodore. The Kevin to mop-headed Nick & Joe. Together ("all for one, one for all"), the Jonas Brothers.
Joe got to lead the gang during the Bros. hay-day; he got the heartthrob role in Camp Rock, he stood center stage, he hogged most of the squealing girl attention. It was Joe whose face was the biggest on all the merch, too - the plastic Wal-Mart backpacks, the sparkly purple dog tag necklaces, and the fold-out posters and magazine covers. Sure, he was Burnin' Up there for a little while, but then he tried to straighten his hair. It was almost a preemptive, half-hearted attempt at the Bieber Flip, but it didn't quite make it. Just in time for the Jonas TV show, Joe's hair was a successful imitation of the bouffant trend in ladies hairstyles of the 1950s.
With Joe's star sinking under the weight of all that hairspray, it was time for the next Jonas to step into the spotlight. And who better, really, than Nick, the youngest and quieter, deeply sensitive brother who did most of the song writing anyways. The American Public was due for a good emotionally raw idol, someone with depth and a quiet humility about them. And that's for damn sure what we got. Hello Beautiful and youthful, baby-faced Nick. No more of this Live to Party, but now wanting to be loved for Who I Am and being Just Friends (but actually, not really). Nick goes acoustic, then all of a sudden, he's got his own project going with some troupe called "The Administration", and the tour is a hit. The Baby Jonas has done it.
But, wait, Hold On! What about the third Jo Bro, Kevin? Well, he bopped around behind his two brother on stage for a while, sometimes holding a guitar, sometimes not. Just along for the ride, you know. Then, his Three Stooges style comedic talents were discovered, and he became the most massive ditz ever in Jonas. And with all the competition for that title from the female co-stars, that's saying something. After two years of leaving set in tears over his pathetically poor excuse for even being including in the group (what are genetics, really?), a bright light appeared in Kevin's life: the whole Jonas Fam was on vacation in the Caribbean when he met a charming young lady (DON'T WORRY, he was still wearing his purity ring. Thank. God.). They played in the waves and laid in the sand, they walked and held hands - where were the Disney cameras then? this has HSM4 written all over it - and kept dating for several years afterward. This wasn't a big deal because no one in the media actually cared about Kevin's life. Then, *POOF* they were married and K Bro swapped his chastity ring for a wedding band.
Was the world disturbed? Did the Tween's earth axis tilt a little, were there sobbing vigils held in memorial of a Jonas Brother no longer being single? 360 days of mourning instituted across LA?
Nope, no one gave a flying fig. And with that, the eldest Jo Bro faded into pop culture oblivion, leaving behind two younger brothers for the Tweens to salivate over and the larger population of women over 16 who just didn't care anymore. Maybe by the Year 3000, when everyone buys their 7th album, Nick will be able to carry the Joe and Kevin popularity dead-weight, but I doubt it.
<3
T-ST-B
The Isaac to MMMBoping Taylor & Zac, the Athos to swashbuckling Porthos & Aramis, the Simon to helium-pitched Alvin & Theodore. The Kevin to mop-headed Nick & Joe. Together ("all for one, one for all"), the Jonas Brothers.
Joe got to lead the gang during the Bros. hay-day; he got the heartthrob role in Camp Rock, he stood center stage, he hogged most of the squealing girl attention. It was Joe whose face was the biggest on all the merch, too - the plastic Wal-Mart backpacks, the sparkly purple dog tag necklaces, and the fold-out posters and magazine covers. Sure, he was Burnin' Up there for a little while, but then he tried to straighten his hair. It was almost a preemptive, half-hearted attempt at the Bieber Flip, but it didn't quite make it. Just in time for the Jonas TV show, Joe's hair was a successful imitation of the bouffant trend in ladies hairstyles of the 1950s.
With Joe's star sinking under the weight of all that hairspray, it was time for the next Jonas to step into the spotlight. And who better, really, than Nick, the youngest and quieter, deeply sensitive brother who did most of the song writing anyways. The American Public was due for a good emotionally raw idol, someone with depth and a quiet humility about them. And that's for damn sure what we got. Hello Beautiful and youthful, baby-faced Nick. No more of this Live to Party, but now wanting to be loved for Who I Am and being Just Friends (but actually, not really). Nick goes acoustic, then all of a sudden, he's got his own project going with some troupe called "The Administration", and the tour is a hit. The Baby Jonas has done it.
But, wait, Hold On! What about the third Jo Bro, Kevin? Well, he bopped around behind his two brother on stage for a while, sometimes holding a guitar, sometimes not. Just along for the ride, you know. Then, his Three Stooges style comedic talents were discovered, and he became the most massive ditz ever in Jonas. And with all the competition for that title from the female co-stars, that's saying something. After two years of leaving set in tears over his pathetically poor excuse for even being including in the group (what are genetics, really?), a bright light appeared in Kevin's life: the whole Jonas Fam was on vacation in the Caribbean when he met a charming young lady (DON'T WORRY, he was still wearing his purity ring. Thank. God.). They played in the waves and laid in the sand, they walked and held hands - where were the Disney cameras then? this has HSM4 written all over it - and kept dating for several years afterward. This wasn't a big deal because no one in the media actually cared about Kevin's life. Then, *POOF* they were married and K Bro swapped his chastity ring for a wedding band.
Was the world disturbed? Did the Tween's earth axis tilt a little, were there sobbing vigils held in memorial of a Jonas Brother no longer being single? 360 days of mourning instituted across LA?
Nope, no one gave a flying fig. And with that, the eldest Jo Bro faded into pop culture oblivion, leaving behind two younger brothers for the Tweens to salivate over and the larger population of women over 16 who just didn't care anymore. Maybe by the Year 3000, when everyone buys their 7th album, Nick will be able to carry the Joe and Kevin popularity dead-weight, but I doubt it.
<3
T-ST-B
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)