Justin Bieber may have a child.
We should have seen this coming. A scandal was overdue. Miley's a pothead, Demi's in rehab. If you don't have a scandal, you aren't important anymore (Where are the Jonas brothers?)
Biebs, did you really think your Jesus tat was going to keep you on the map?
At least you haven't disappeared like that guy on high school musical that hasn't seemed to get a real acting job.
(Just kidding. It's Zac Efron. I may or may not have kept up a poster of him all through college.)
-I think it's almost time for my 14th birthday.
22.11.11
20.5.11
One Thing I Learned From My Disney Childhood
If a guy and I don't sing a perfectly romantic song together on our first date, it's just not going to work out. It's not me. Really. It's him.
14.4.11
The Art of the "Chick Flick"
Dear Stupid Bitches in Hollywood,
You're not fooling anyone, you know. We've have had it up to HERE with all these recent chick flicks. There's no creativity left in the genre! You've killed it.
Here's the basic format for the plot (pay attention, now, it's easy to get lost in the complexities):
A young woman - this is usually Katherine Heigl or Reese Witherspoon - is shockingly single, even after short scenes with upbeat pop music have established that (a) she's physically attractive, (b) she's intelligent, witty and friendly - usually she's either an artist, journalist, or owns a bakery, and (c) there is a plethora of young attractive (and straight!) men around her. Next, our lady's tragic flaw is revealed. This is usually either that she's a workaholic, is too assertive & demanding, or she has no backbone and is stubbornly sticking to a relationship with a loser. Or some combination of those.
Enter the charming male lead, usually either a young Hugh Grant or James Marsden, who is both dashingly attractive and a little bit of prick. Short, intervening scenes demonstrate that he's maybe a little self-centered, maybe a tad bit insensitive, but it's really covering a fear of commitment and a heart of gold. Chivalry is not in fact dead, he's just too jaded to show it.
At this juncture, we are sometimes let in on the secrets of their hurtful history together, details about who left who first and why. Other times, our central relationship starts afresh when the two fascinatingly original characters meet, usually in an awkward exchange intended as comedic relief but really just an "I'm-glad-that's-not-me" moment, and for one reason or another, they dislike each other. Maybe he called her a floozie (which she probably is), maybe she assumed he's a jerk (which he probably is), it doesn't really become consequential until the crucial Turning-Point-Montage.
(the interim scenes between the introductions & the Turning-Point-Montage are really just fluff. Enjoy them for all the $12 movie ticket's worth)
Here, character development gets on the bullet train and suddenly our Leading Lady is reflecting on her emotional constipation - in a bubble bath by candle light - and then visiting all the coffee shops that remind her of him . Or our Dashing Gent becomes frustrated by those frivolous things that used to bring him joy - namely beer and watching TV - and finds himself daydreaming of her smile. These montages are not complete without some heart-swelling, building music of either the folksy pop or acoustic singer-songwriter genre (to be sold exclusively as part of an $11.99 soundtrack album). These songs are usually of either the Snow Patrol or Ingrid Michaelson variety.
and NOW, the big moment we've been waiting for: They Realize Their True Feelings. This usually involves some kind of rash decision, rushing to catch the object of their affections before they either (1) fly across the country for a new and exciting job opportunity (seriously, who does that?) or (2) marry someone else. Through some inanely stupid plot twist they must always be in a rush, chiefly because this gives the director the chance to include some action shots. If they're really skilled, a galloping horse or speeding car scenario can be included here. AND THEN: The Confession. It usually goes something like this:
Him: I love you.
Her: gasps and stares wide-eyed
Him: I've loved you since I first saw you in your green beret. How could I ever forget the first girl who hit me in the head with a frying pan? You've changed me, , you saw who I really was even when I couldn't. But don't worry, I don't need any therapy or anything. I probably won't even become unnaturally reliant on you as a source for my psychological well-being and discovery.
Her: tears start welling in overly-wide-eyes
Him: I love you and I want to spend the rest of my life loving you. I'll never return to that grouchy douche bag that I was before and our relationship will always be in this lovey-dovey honeymoon phase, okay?
Her: Yes! starts crying and throws arms around his neck
Him: Final Witty Line.
And the lovers, united at last across mountains of character flaws and chasms of time not spent getting to know one another, share A Kiss. Usually, the rest of the surrounding world has stopped on a pin and the extra characters are enraptured by The Confession and Kiss. They usually perform the important function of applauding after the kiss (doesn't that happen in real life?). Then we have the credit music, upbeat and happy, like "Everlasting Love" or "Love is Endless", promising Happy Endings FOREVER!!!
You know what, Hollywood? What makes me the most upset at chick flicks is that I am squarely in your target audience. And you hook me. Every. Damn. Time. You're killin' my glittery piggy bank. And giving me completely realistic expectations about life in general, you know?
Off to be caustically assertive & stubborn - I'll consider the bubble-bath, character morphing stuff later, but don't hold your breath.
-A Twenty-Something Teeny-Bopper
P.S. here are some notes for my happy ending. Narrated by Julie Andrews, of course.
You're not fooling anyone, you know. We've have had it up to HERE with all these recent chick flicks. There's no creativity left in the genre! You've killed it.
Here's the basic format for the plot (pay attention, now, it's easy to get lost in the complexities):
A young woman - this is usually Katherine Heigl or Reese Witherspoon - is shockingly single, even after short scenes with upbeat pop music have established that (a) she's physically attractive, (b) she's intelligent, witty and friendly - usually she's either an artist, journalist, or owns a bakery, and (c) there is a plethora of young attractive (and straight!) men around her. Next, our lady's tragic flaw is revealed. This is usually either that she's a workaholic, is too assertive & demanding, or she has no backbone and is stubbornly sticking to a relationship with a loser. Or some combination of those.
Enter the charming male lead, usually either a young Hugh Grant or James Marsden, who is both dashingly attractive and a little bit of prick. Short, intervening scenes demonstrate that he's maybe a little self-centered, maybe a tad bit insensitive, but it's really covering a fear of commitment and a heart of gold. Chivalry is not in fact dead, he's just too jaded to show it.
At this juncture, we are sometimes let in on the secrets of their hurtful history together, details about who left who first and why. Other times, our central relationship starts afresh when the two fascinatingly original characters meet, usually in an awkward exchange intended as comedic relief but really just an "I'm-glad-that's-not-me" moment, and for one reason or another, they dislike each other. Maybe he called her a floozie (which she probably is), maybe she assumed he's a jerk (which he probably is), it doesn't really become consequential until the crucial Turning-Point-Montage.
(the interim scenes between the introductions & the Turning-Point-Montage are really just fluff. Enjoy them for all the $12 movie ticket's worth)
Here, character development gets on the bullet train and suddenly our Leading Lady is reflecting on her emotional constipation - in a bubble bath by candle light - and then visiting all the coffee shops that remind her of him . Or our Dashing Gent becomes frustrated by those frivolous things that used to bring him joy - namely beer and watching TV - and finds himself daydreaming of her smile. These montages are not complete without some heart-swelling, building music of either the folksy pop or acoustic singer-songwriter genre (to be sold exclusively as part of an $11.99 soundtrack album). These songs are usually of either the Snow Patrol or Ingrid Michaelson variety.
and NOW, the big moment we've been waiting for: They Realize Their True Feelings. This usually involves some kind of rash decision, rushing to catch the object of their affections before they either (1) fly across the country for a new and exciting job opportunity (seriously, who does that?) or (2) marry someone else. Through some inanely stupid plot twist they must always be in a rush, chiefly because this gives the director the chance to include some action shots. If they're really skilled, a galloping horse or speeding car scenario can be included here. AND THEN: The Confession. It usually goes something like this:
Him: I love you.
Her: gasps and stares wide-eyed
Him: I've loved you since I first saw you in your green beret. How could I ever forget the first girl who hit me in the head with a frying pan? You've changed me, , you saw who I really was even when I couldn't. But don't worry, I don't need any therapy or anything. I probably won't even become unnaturally reliant on you as a source for my psychological well-being and discovery.
Her: tears start welling in overly-wide-eyes
Him: I love you and I want to spend the rest of my life loving you. I'll never return to that grouchy douche bag that I was before and our relationship will always be in this lovey-dovey honeymoon phase, okay?
Her: Yes! starts crying and throws arms around his neck
Him: Final Witty Line.
And the lovers, united at last across mountains of character flaws and chasms of time not spent getting to know one another, share A Kiss. Usually, the rest of the surrounding world has stopped on a pin and the extra characters are enraptured by The Confession and Kiss. They usually perform the important function of applauding after the kiss (doesn't that happen in real life?). Then we have the credit music, upbeat and happy, like "Everlasting Love" or "Love is Endless", promising Happy Endings FOREVER!!!
You know what, Hollywood? What makes me the most upset at chick flicks is that I am squarely in your target audience. And you hook me. Every. Damn. Time. You're killin' my glittery piggy bank. And giving me completely realistic expectations about life in general, you know?
Off to be caustically assertive & stubborn - I'll consider the bubble-bath, character morphing stuff later, but don't hold your breath.
-A Twenty-Something Teeny-Bopper
P.S. here are some notes for my happy ending. Narrated by Julie Andrews, of course.
22.3.11
Ludacris
Dear Luda,
I’m a huge fan and I just have a few questions:
1. Was it really love if you were only 13?
2. Why were you still playing on the play ground in middle school?
3. Did you know caffeine stunts growth and development?
4. Were you allowed to see her on the weekend?
5. Did you hold hands in school?
6. Did you pass notes because cell phones didn’t exist?
7. Did you talk on AIM?
8. Did you even have a computer?
9. Why did you stay in unrequited love affair?
10. How long did it last?
11. Was it more than two weeks? (cause that would be serious)
12. Who said I love you first?
13. Did she have her friend dump you for her?
Check Yes or No,
TGO13
I’m a huge fan and I just have a few questions:
1. Was it really love if you were only 13?
2. Why were you still playing on the play ground in middle school?
3. Did you know caffeine stunts growth and development?
4. Were you allowed to see her on the weekend?
5. Did you hold hands in school?
6. Did you pass notes because cell phones didn’t exist?
7. Did you talk on AIM?
8. Did you even have a computer?
9. Why did you stay in unrequited love affair?
10. How long did it last?
11. Was it more than two weeks? (cause that would be serious)
12. Who said I love you first?
13. Did she have her friend dump you for her?
Check Yes or No,
TGO13
18.3.11
On Friday We Wear Jeans
Dear Rebecca and Jenna,
In case you didn’t know today is friday. TGIF. Today I’m rockin’ a hoodie layered with a tee (got my jb swag) and jeans. But nobody in this country better be wearing my jeans, as they came from top shop. I know in middle school it’s cool to wear the same things as everyone else, but once you hit college you have to trend set, not follow. The more obscure what you do, wear, eat, or listen to, the cooler you are. The last thing you want is to turn on the TV and see that Hannah Montana is wearing your outfit. Your jeans just became the tackiest shit you could put on your body. If more than one person likes the same thing as you, drop that because it's not hot anymore. But what do I know? I’m old and don’t even know the days of the week. I also didn’t know that you’re supposed to think long and hard about what seat to claim in the car. I called shot gun for life. oops. I guess from now on I’ll start calling bitch, because a teeny bopper does. And i’m sure some hipsters are having a fit because they started riding bitch before RB was even born.
i so excited.
TGO13
In case you didn’t know today is friday. TGIF. Today I’m rockin’ a hoodie layered with a tee (got my jb swag) and jeans. But nobody in this country better be wearing my jeans, as they came from top shop. I know in middle school it’s cool to wear the same things as everyone else, but once you hit college you have to trend set, not follow. The more obscure what you do, wear, eat, or listen to, the cooler you are. The last thing you want is to turn on the TV and see that Hannah Montana is wearing your outfit. Your jeans just became the tackiest shit you could put on your body. If more than one person likes the same thing as you, drop that because it's not hot anymore. But what do I know? I’m old and don’t even know the days of the week. I also didn’t know that you’re supposed to think long and hard about what seat to claim in the car. I called shot gun for life. oops. I guess from now on I’ll start calling bitch, because a teeny bopper does. And i’m sure some hipsters are having a fit because they started riding bitch before RB was even born.
i so excited.
TGO13
9.3.11
Rockin' out like a teeny-bopper
You know you’re at a teeny-bopper concert when:
1) The show ends at 10:30.
2) There are more X’s on hands than wristbands.
3) Half of the crowd leaves after the opener because school’s tomorrow.
4) The kid beside you has braces.
5) Someone brought their mom.
6) The opener just premiered their music video on Disney Channel.
7) One band member is celebrating her 21st birthday the day of the show.
8) The tour bus is an advertisement for a movie about prom.
9) You feel like reprimanding the band when they cuss.
10) You and your friends are the only ones drinking.
I went to see Allstar Weekend. I partied like it’s not my birthday.
TGO13
1) The show ends at 10:30.
2) There are more X’s on hands than wristbands.
3) Half of the crowd leaves after the opener because school’s tomorrow.
4) The kid beside you has braces.
5) Someone brought their mom.
6) The opener just premiered their music video on Disney Channel.
7) One band member is celebrating her 21st birthday the day of the show.
8) The tour bus is an advertisement for a movie about prom.
9) You feel like reprimanding the band when they cuss.
10) You and your friends are the only ones drinking.
I went to see Allstar Weekend. I partied like it’s not my birthday.
TGO13
3.3.11
SOS, it's Kevin Jonas!
Ahh, Kevin Jonas.
The Isaac to MMMBoping Taylor & Zac, the Athos to swashbuckling Porthos & Aramis, the Simon to helium-pitched Alvin & Theodore. The Kevin to mop-headed Nick & Joe. Together ("all for one, one for all"), the Jonas Brothers.
Joe got to lead the gang during the Bros. hay-day; he got the heartthrob role in Camp Rock, he stood center stage, he hogged most of the squealing girl attention. It was Joe whose face was the biggest on all the merch, too - the plastic Wal-Mart backpacks, the sparkly purple dog tag necklaces, and the fold-out posters and magazine covers. Sure, he was Burnin' Up there for a little while, but then he tried to straighten his hair. It was almost a preemptive, half-hearted attempt at the Bieber Flip, but it didn't quite make it. Just in time for the Jonas TV show, Joe's hair was a successful imitation of the bouffant trend in ladies hairstyles of the 1950s.
With Joe's star sinking under the weight of all that hairspray, it was time for the next Jonas to step into the spotlight. And who better, really, than Nick, the youngest and quieter, deeply sensitive brother who did most of the song writing anyways. The American Public was due for a good emotionally raw idol, someone with depth and a quiet humility about them. And that's for damn sure what we got. Hello Beautiful and youthful, baby-faced Nick. No more of this Live to Party, but now wanting to be loved for Who I Am and being Just Friends (but actually, not really). Nick goes acoustic, then all of a sudden, he's got his own project going with some troupe called "The Administration", and the tour is a hit. The Baby Jonas has done it.
But, wait, Hold On! What about the third Jo Bro, Kevin? Well, he bopped around behind his two brother on stage for a while, sometimes holding a guitar, sometimes not. Just along for the ride, you know. Then, his Three Stooges style comedic talents were discovered, and he became the most massive ditz ever in Jonas. And with all the competition for that title from the female co-stars, that's saying something. After two years of leaving set in tears over his pathetically poor excuse for even being including in the group (what are genetics, really?), a bright light appeared in Kevin's life: the whole Jonas Fam was on vacation in the Caribbean when he met a charming young lady (DON'T WORRY, he was still wearing his purity ring. Thank. God.). They played in the waves and laid in the sand, they walked and held hands - where were the Disney cameras then? this has HSM4 written all over it - and kept dating for several years afterward. This wasn't a big deal because no one in the media actually cared about Kevin's life. Then, *POOF* they were married and K Bro swapped his chastity ring for a wedding band.
Was the world disturbed? Did the Tween's earth axis tilt a little, were there sobbing vigils held in memorial of a Jonas Brother no longer being single? 360 days of mourning instituted across LA?
Nope, no one gave a flying fig. And with that, the eldest Jo Bro faded into pop culture oblivion, leaving behind two younger brothers for the Tweens to salivate over and the larger population of women over 16 who just didn't care anymore. Maybe by the Year 3000, when everyone buys their 7th album, Nick will be able to carry the Joe and Kevin popularity dead-weight, but I doubt it.
<3
T-ST-B
The Isaac to MMMBoping Taylor & Zac, the Athos to swashbuckling Porthos & Aramis, the Simon to helium-pitched Alvin & Theodore. The Kevin to mop-headed Nick & Joe. Together ("all for one, one for all"), the Jonas Brothers.
Joe got to lead the gang during the Bros. hay-day; he got the heartthrob role in Camp Rock, he stood center stage, he hogged most of the squealing girl attention. It was Joe whose face was the biggest on all the merch, too - the plastic Wal-Mart backpacks, the sparkly purple dog tag necklaces, and the fold-out posters and magazine covers. Sure, he was Burnin' Up there for a little while, but then he tried to straighten his hair. It was almost a preemptive, half-hearted attempt at the Bieber Flip, but it didn't quite make it. Just in time for the Jonas TV show, Joe's hair was a successful imitation of the bouffant trend in ladies hairstyles of the 1950s.
With Joe's star sinking under the weight of all that hairspray, it was time for the next Jonas to step into the spotlight. And who better, really, than Nick, the youngest and quieter, deeply sensitive brother who did most of the song writing anyways. The American Public was due for a good emotionally raw idol, someone with depth and a quiet humility about them. And that's for damn sure what we got. Hello Beautiful and youthful, baby-faced Nick. No more of this Live to Party, but now wanting to be loved for Who I Am and being Just Friends (but actually, not really). Nick goes acoustic, then all of a sudden, he's got his own project going with some troupe called "The Administration", and the tour is a hit. The Baby Jonas has done it.
But, wait, Hold On! What about the third Jo Bro, Kevin? Well, he bopped around behind his two brother on stage for a while, sometimes holding a guitar, sometimes not. Just along for the ride, you know. Then, his Three Stooges style comedic talents were discovered, and he became the most massive ditz ever in Jonas. And with all the competition for that title from the female co-stars, that's saying something. After two years of leaving set in tears over his pathetically poor excuse for even being including in the group (what are genetics, really?), a bright light appeared in Kevin's life: the whole Jonas Fam was on vacation in the Caribbean when he met a charming young lady (DON'T WORRY, he was still wearing his purity ring. Thank. God.). They played in the waves and laid in the sand, they walked and held hands - where were the Disney cameras then? this has HSM4 written all over it - and kept dating for several years afterward. This wasn't a big deal because no one in the media actually cared about Kevin's life. Then, *POOF* they were married and K Bro swapped his chastity ring for a wedding band.
Was the world disturbed? Did the Tween's earth axis tilt a little, were there sobbing vigils held in memorial of a Jonas Brother no longer being single? 360 days of mourning instituted across LA?
Nope, no one gave a flying fig. And with that, the eldest Jo Bro faded into pop culture oblivion, leaving behind two younger brothers for the Tweens to salivate over and the larger population of women over 16 who just didn't care anymore. Maybe by the Year 3000, when everyone buys their 7th album, Nick will be able to carry the Joe and Kevin popularity dead-weight, but I doubt it.
<3
T-ST-B
1.3.11
One Less Lonely Girl
So the cat’s out of the bag. And if you as unhealthily invested in the lives of pop star adolescents as we are, you are aware that Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez are now dating. I don’t know if it’s FBO yet, but they did go to the Oscars together, so I’d say it’s a done deal.
This has caused an outrage among the 7 million beliebers. If I were Selena, I wouldn’t go out in public. Girls hate her. Even the ones that had no chance of even meeting Justin, which is most of them. I hope this teenage romance is worth it, because Selena is taking a lot of heat. And in my experience, usually people regret who ever they date in high school. But lbr, Justin has got to be more mature than most guys his age. Seriously, he writes songs and raps for Luda. Definitely a keeper. Plus, he’s 17 now.
Happy Birthday Biebs. And Happy-I’m-not-such-a-creeper-anymore-day to Selena.
One more lonely girl,
TGO13
This has caused an outrage among the 7 million beliebers. If I were Selena, I wouldn’t go out in public. Girls hate her. Even the ones that had no chance of even meeting Justin, which is most of them. I hope this teenage romance is worth it, because Selena is taking a lot of heat. And in my experience, usually people regret who ever they date in high school. But lbr, Justin has got to be more mature than most guys his age. Seriously, he writes songs and raps for Luda. Definitely a keeper. Plus, he’s 17 now.
Happy Birthday Biebs. And Happy-I’m-not-such-a-creeper-anymore-day to Selena.
One more lonely girl,
TGO13
22.2.11
Kat-y Perr-y Part 2
Do you ever feel, feel so paper thin,
Like a house of cards
No Katy, no I do not. I think that would be Alice or the Queen of Hearts. I could blow her over. Lewis Carroll may appreciate this metaphor but the rest of us don't really want to follow rabbits into holes or play croquet with an ace of spades. I like my house made of bricks, thank you. The big bad wolf couldn't blow that over.
Safety first,
TGO13
Like a house of cards
No Katy, no I do not. I think that would be Alice or the Queen of Hearts. I could blow her over. Lewis Carroll may appreciate this metaphor but the rest of us don't really want to follow rabbits into holes or play croquet with an ace of spades. I like my house made of bricks, thank you. The big bad wolf couldn't blow that over.
Safety first,
TGO13
Kat-y Perr-y
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag,
Drifting through the wind,
Wanting to start again?
Primary commentary, as my co-author tgo13 so appropriately pointed out: plastic bags don't get to start again. They are not recyclable; in fact, they are one of the most damaging items mis-appropriated into the recycling bin - they shred easily and clog the processing machines at waste processing facilities. You're killing the baby sea turtles.
On a more superficial note, Katy, we don't need a reminder of what it feels like to float along, bloated and billowing - aren't eating disorders rampant enough? Now you force us to relive our fat days? And your suggestion for a coping mechanism? Arson. Pyromania. Blowing things up like a "fiiiiiiiiiiiiirewoork". Really?
Oh, and voice cracks. I've heard you attempt this song live, Miss Perry, and all the "ah-ah-ah"s and "oh-oh-oh"s are pain inducing. The neighborhood dogs do seem to enjoy a good howl-along, though.
I'm all about exuberance and showing your True Colors (I see you, Phil Collins) and everything, but this just seems like a cursory attempt to disguise your whining voice as a motivation song for tween girlies. Could you pretty please drop a line to my local radio station and tell them to stop playing this song every 30 minutes? I cannot be held responsible for any road rage this song generates.
Thanx,
T-ST-B
Drifting through the wind,
Wanting to start again?
Primary commentary, as my co-author tgo13 so appropriately pointed out: plastic bags don't get to start again. They are not recyclable; in fact, they are one of the most damaging items mis-appropriated into the recycling bin - they shred easily and clog the processing machines at waste processing facilities. You're killing the baby sea turtles.
On a more superficial note, Katy, we don't need a reminder of what it feels like to float along, bloated and billowing - aren't eating disorders rampant enough? Now you force us to relive our fat days? And your suggestion for a coping mechanism? Arson. Pyromania. Blowing things up like a "fiiiiiiiiiiiiirewoork". Really?
Oh, and voice cracks. I've heard you attempt this song live, Miss Perry, and all the "ah-ah-ah"s and "oh-oh-oh"s are pain inducing. The neighborhood dogs do seem to enjoy a good howl-along, though.
I'm all about exuberance and showing your True Colors (I see you, Phil Collins) and everything, but this just seems like a cursory attempt to disguise your whining voice as a motivation song for tween girlies. Could you pretty please drop a line to my local radio station and tell them to stop playing this song every 30 minutes? I cannot be held responsible for any road rage this song generates.
Thanx,
T-ST-B
Ode to the princess of punk
Dear true teeny boppers,
Like my fellow blogger, Taylor and I started out as friends. I jammed out to “you belong with me” and felt like she was in my head with the “story of us.” I loved “love story” and wanted to be “fearless.” I often thought, where was Taylor when I was in high school? She could have gotten me through so much.
Then I thought back to my teenage years and remembered who got me through those days:
Avril Lavigne
Rather than just singing hopeful songs of a hypothetical prince charming and ballads of a broken heart, Avril kicked boys out of her bed. She called guys out for being too complicated and girls for being too shallow. She dumped guys who picked drugs over her and those who pushed her too far. Taylor will be there for you when you need to wallow in self misery, but Avril will reach out her hand and pull you back up. Taylor will still be in her best dress in the rain. Or in the snow in shorts. There’s no such thing as winter shorts. Pink is a good color, as long as it’s accompanied by black.
I think back to all my time with Taylor and think what the hell?
Next time I look for prince charming, I’ll remember his mode of transportation is a skateboard.
I don’t want to go back to december. That month sucked.
TGO13
Like my fellow blogger, Taylor and I started out as friends. I jammed out to “you belong with me” and felt like she was in my head with the “story of us.” I loved “love story” and wanted to be “fearless.” I often thought, where was Taylor when I was in high school? She could have gotten me through so much.
Then I thought back to my teenage years and remembered who got me through those days:
Avril Lavigne
Rather than just singing hopeful songs of a hypothetical prince charming and ballads of a broken heart, Avril kicked boys out of her bed. She called guys out for being too complicated and girls for being too shallow. She dumped guys who picked drugs over her and those who pushed her too far. Taylor will be there for you when you need to wallow in self misery, but Avril will reach out her hand and pull you back up. Taylor will still be in her best dress in the rain. Or in the snow in shorts. There’s no such thing as winter shorts. Pink is a good color, as long as it’s accompanied by black.
I think back to all my time with Taylor and think what the hell?
Next time I look for prince charming, I’ll remember his mode of transportation is a skateboard.
I don’t want to go back to december. That month sucked.
TGO13
21.2.11
Zac
Dear Zac,
Where have you gone? Since you have disappeared off of the face of Disney, I have become a belieber. I used to have a poster of you on my wall, now I own jb silly bandz. I appreciated your reappearance on the screen with Charlie St. Cloud, but that moment was too fleeting. Save us twenty something beliebers from the fate the end of HSM doomed us to. I thought we were all in this together. I never forgot my first love; don't forget your fans that watched you date a dead girl.
TGO13
19.2.11
Justin, Part 2.
Baby Bieber,
I loved your movie, Never Say Never in 3D. Loved. It. I danced, I sang along (sorry, seatmates), I clapped and cheered, I rejoiced. Tip of the hat for upping the pop game.
One complaint, though: why the 3D? Sure, the concert scenes were sick, and the flying words were sweet. But that part where you sing "I'm coming for you-" and point right at the camera? That part? Yeah, you see, you pointed right at ME. You've always been singing right to me - I feel the heartache, the hope, I knew it deep inside all along - but now you've confirmed it.
My problem is, I'd rather just have you next to me in person. You're making my case of Bieber Fever worse. And now I have even more girls to swim through to get to you. So, thanks. 'Preciate it.
Tweet at me, please! <3
-T-ST-B
I loved your movie, Never Say Never in 3D. Loved. It. I danced, I sang along (sorry, seatmates), I clapped and cheered, I rejoiced. Tip of the hat for upping the pop game.
One complaint, though: why the 3D? Sure, the concert scenes were sick, and the flying words were sweet. But that part where you sing "I'm coming for you-" and point right at the camera? That part? Yeah, you see, you pointed right at ME. You've always been singing right to me - I feel the heartache, the hope, I knew it deep inside all along - but now you've confirmed it.
My problem is, I'd rather just have you next to me in person. You're making my case of Bieber Fever worse. And now I have even more girls to swim through to get to you. So, thanks. 'Preciate it.
Tweet at me, please! <3
-T-ST-B
18.2.11
Miley Cyrus
Dear Miley Cyrus,
HANNAH MONTANA IS OVER?!?!?! teen-star-smoking-salvia-say-what? I thought it was Hannah Montana FOREVER not Hannah Montana for now! I’m just so lost, I do not know where invest my tv time and money anymore. JB is ass-grabbing Selena, Demi is not so Sonny these days, and Taylor is dating guys way to old for her. I just don’t know who to emulate or form my false delusions of reality around. I know “Nobody’s Perfect” but I need a role model here! I guess I’ll resort to fictional characters; Bella seems totally independent and self-actualized. Or worse: Nickelodeon. Miranda Cosgrove, this may be your moment to shine.
Love,
the newest iCarly fan
tgo13
HANNAH MONTANA IS OVER?!?!?! teen-star-smoking-salvia-say-what? I thought it was Hannah Montana FOREVER not Hannah Montana for now! I’m just so lost, I do not know where invest my tv time and money anymore. JB is ass-grabbing Selena, Demi is not so Sonny these days, and Taylor is dating guys way to old for her. I just don’t know who to emulate or form my false delusions of reality around. I know “Nobody’s Perfect” but I need a role model here! I guess I’ll resort to fictional characters; Bella seems totally independent and self-actualized. Or worse: Nickelodeon. Miranda Cosgrove, this may be your moment to shine.
Love,
the newest iCarly fan
tgo13
Justin
Dearest Justin,
I am a #Belieber, no question about it. I check your twitter feed religiously, I recognized when you got a hair cut, and I cried when you surprised that fan on Ellen (no, really. I cried.)
I jam to your music all the time. In fact, I jam to it so much that I make regular references to your lyrics in everyday conversation; there is no doubt that I Love You. (#NeverSayNever)
However, there is this one line that I have to ask you about: in "Pray", you begin by crooning,
However, being the huge softie Teeny-Bopper that I am, I appreciate the sentiment behind your song and adore the heartfelt concern you're expressing. That pesky Twenty-Something is just a little hesitant about a literal interpretation here.
<3 u 4ever,
a T-ST-B
I am a #Belieber, no question about it. I check your twitter feed religiously, I recognized when you got a hair cut, and I cried when you surprised that fan on Ellen (no, really. I cried.)
I jam to your music all the time. In fact, I jam to it so much that I make regular references to your lyrics in everyday conversation; there is no doubt that I Love You. (#NeverSayNever)
However, there is this one line that I have to ask you about: in "Pray", you begin by crooning,
I just can't sleep tonight, knowing that things ain't right...Let's be real, you travel all the time on long red-eye flights and bus trips between venues. You sleep. Sometimes, you even sleep at night.
However, being the huge softie Teeny-Bopper that I am, I appreciate the sentiment behind your song and adore the heartfelt concern you're expressing. That pesky Twenty-Something is just a little hesitant about a literal interpretation here.
<3 u 4ever,
a T-ST-B
Miley Stewart
Dear Miley,
Good for you! You chose your friends’ dream over yours! How thoughtful :) Although I can’t really suspend my disbelief enough to accept the idea that you and Lilly both got into Stanford, I’m sure am glad all that effort you put into your school work while being a world wide pop sensation really paid off. And you are so right, you don’t get another chance to go to college with your best friend. It’s not like people go back to college in adulthood. And that degree from Stanford will be really useful considering you probably won’t probably won’t get another movie offer by Steven Spielberg now that you turned him down. Selena Gomez, look out, Tom Cruise needs a co-star!
I really hope you and Lilly don’t change at all in college so that the sacrifices you are making are totally worth. But let’s be honest, I am totally the same person I was when I graduated high school. I don’t have new friends or a new outlook on life or new anything. I’m basically a 17 year old stuck in a 22 year old body. And it’s not like Stanford it that good of a school, I’m sure it won’t challenge any of your beliefs. Come on, it’s not like you are going to Harvard.
You are so giving; sacrificing your stardom to be with your best friend. It's so important to disregard all your own dreams and desires for someone else no matter the cost. I am a really crappy person, I don’t even have the same best friend as I did 5 years ago! But I appreciate the value you put on education. I hope Selena, that other Miley, the Jonas Brothers and JB will follow suit. Forget the fame, School is Cool!
- twenty going on thirteen (tgo13)
- twenty going on thirteen (tgo13)
Taylor
Dear Taylor Swift,
You've got me on a roller-coaster. Our love / hate relationship is too much, I almost just want you out of my life. You charmed me through the summer, singing all those lyrics that speak straight tomy heart and living all of my fairy tale dreams - I've seen the "Love Story" music video. Don't pretend you didn't do that on purpose.
Those were the sunny days of our relationship, when I belted your anthems with you - "I'm Only Me When I'm With You" and "You Belong With Me" were best sung to the steering wheel, "Fearless" on repeat with my hairbrush in my room, and "Stay Beautiful" while twirling around in my sundress. I still taste sweet tea and lemonade when I hear "Our Song", Taylor.
Then we got angry. This was good, I was still with you. These were angsty Fall days full of wind and lots of running. "Picture to Burn" made me glare at every male specimen I passed. I supported you through all of "The Way I Loved You", full of angry fists and regret, and I hated him just as violently in "You're Not Sorry". What a jerk.
Following every uphill charge, Taylor, there's always a downhill: after the anger, we were sad and melancholy. "Teardrops On My Guitar" - who doesn't have a Drew or two in their past? I was right there in that Chevy truck for "Tim McGraw" and I dreamed about those senior boys in "Fifteen" (and cried a bit for Abigail). And I mourned the lack of a dream man in "White Horse", and I pined for him too in "Hey Stephen": "all those other girls, well, they're beautiful but would they write a song for you?" We were the lonely good girls club.
But you see, Taylor, then you did two things that shattered my faith in you:
1. "Back to December": this is all about your regret. You fucked up, girl. And, I don't really feel bad for you. In fact, I really just want to steal the man you hurt. Sorry 'bout it, you shouldn't have chosen this guy to co-star in your video, you know he's too cute for you. And you have shorts on in the snow. Disrespect.
2. Then, the ultimate violation of our girl bond: "Today Was a Fairytale". Yes, this is every girl's daydream, but at this point you're just bragging. All I get out of this is how much worse my day is than yours, Taylor. No, I don't have a Prince, he doesn't wear a dark gray t-shirt, he's not Taylor Lautner (another one of your mistakes - why'd you break his wolfie heart?), and I CAN'T feel the magic in the air because no one's kissing me. So, frankly Taylor, shut up. Stop being a snob. And stop having perfect hair, no one can keep up with that.
I'm going to go color my nails black with a sharpie I borrowed from Avril. Come find me when you think we're in the same emotional place again.
- A Twenty-Something Teeny-Bopper (T-ST-B)
You've got me on a roller-coaster. Our love / hate relationship is too much, I almost just want you out of my life. You charmed me through the summer, singing all those lyrics that speak straight tomy heart and living all of my fairy tale dreams - I've seen the "Love Story" music video. Don't pretend you didn't do that on purpose.
Those were the sunny days of our relationship, when I belted your anthems with you - "I'm Only Me When I'm With You" and "You Belong With Me" were best sung to the steering wheel, "Fearless" on repeat with my hairbrush in my room, and "Stay Beautiful" while twirling around in my sundress. I still taste sweet tea and lemonade when I hear "Our Song", Taylor.
Then we got angry. This was good, I was still with you. These were angsty Fall days full of wind and lots of running. "Picture to Burn" made me glare at every male specimen I passed. I supported you through all of "The Way I Loved You", full of angry fists and regret, and I hated him just as violently in "You're Not Sorry". What a jerk.
Following every uphill charge, Taylor, there's always a downhill: after the anger, we were sad and melancholy. "Teardrops On My Guitar" - who doesn't have a Drew or two in their past? I was right there in that Chevy truck for "Tim McGraw" and I dreamed about those senior boys in "Fifteen" (and cried a bit for Abigail). And I mourned the lack of a dream man in "White Horse", and I pined for him too in "Hey Stephen": "all those other girls, well, they're beautiful but would they write a song for you?" We were the lonely good girls club.
But you see, Taylor, then you did two things that shattered my faith in you:
1. "Back to December": this is all about your regret. You fucked up, girl. And, I don't really feel bad for you. In fact, I really just want to steal the man you hurt. Sorry 'bout it, you shouldn't have chosen this guy to co-star in your video, you know he's too cute for you. And you have shorts on in the snow. Disrespect.
2. Then, the ultimate violation of our girl bond: "Today Was a Fairytale". Yes, this is every girl's daydream, but at this point you're just bragging. All I get out of this is how much worse my day is than yours, Taylor. No, I don't have a Prince, he doesn't wear a dark gray t-shirt, he's not Taylor Lautner (another one of your mistakes - why'd you break his wolfie heart?), and I CAN'T feel the magic in the air because no one's kissing me. So, frankly Taylor, shut up. Stop being a snob. And stop having perfect hair, no one can keep up with that.
I'm going to go color my nails black with a sharpie I borrowed from Avril. Come find me when you think we're in the same emotional place again.
- A Twenty-Something Teeny-Bopper (T-ST-B)
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